I lied.

I remember when I would lie to myself all the time. 

While I was unhappy with how I felt and looked, I would say I didn’t need to watch what I ate. I would tell myself that being concerned about my weight was simply society’s expectations being imposed on me. I quieted my conscience about going days without exercise by saying I was far too busy. Further, I valued my freedom too much to be a slave to the scale, a nutrition guide or *gasp* a workout schedule, okay? Right? Right??? 

Um, no. There came a time I had to face the facts. I wasn’t healthy, but also, it wasn’t because I was free or a rebel. And it certainly had nothing to do with how busy I was. I had to admit it was fear that was holding me back.

I was not healthy, and I had to admit that the reason I was not healthy was because I was lazy. I didn’t want it bad enough. I wasn’t ready. All of those things.  But mostly? Deep down I knew I was afraid. What if I tried and couldn’t do it? What if I kept failing? 

Once I admitted that, I could truly tackle each fear and own it. Yes, I DID need to watch what I ate. Everyone needs to. So? It’s not weakness, its strength. So what if people fat shame? They also skinny shame. People are shamed for everything, from the music they like to the clothes they wear. It’s hip to shame hipsters and man buns now. 

And its not just about fat shaming, because people are also shamed for passing up dessert, not going out for beers and for working out. So? 

None of those things give me an excuse. What I choose to do or not do is on ME. I could either do what I know I needed to do to obtain health, or I could blame; blame my age, blame society or whatever I was struggling with at the moment. Once I let go of the fear and the blame, I finally saw WHY I really wanted to eat right and exercise consistently. I wanted HEALTH.  I wanted my kids to see me walk the talk. I wanted to be able to run, play and have the energy to tackle the day with them. I wanted to look forward to aging gracefully and being an active grandmother.

Heck, I just wanted to feel good in my own clothes! 

I don’t listen to the lies now.  I’m not driven by fear. I eat well, I exercise regularly and I live life to the fullest. 

And you know what? I’m healthier now than I was in my twenties.